I can’t remember them worth beans, and I couldn’t make one up to save my life–but boy, do I love ’em!
I’m talking about puns. Puns float my boat, elevate my mood, and deliver multiple hits to my funny bone. Visual puns, working from the other side of the pun equation, have the same effect; and given that puns are completely free for the laughing, I think that makes them a pretty good deal.
In fact, you could say that puns have stolen a pizza my heart. [Tee hee]
Every now and again someone emails me a few choice offerings of whatever puns are making the rounds, and I snatch them up like gold nuggets. Clever ones, mediocre ones and just plain dumb ones, it doesn’t seem to matter; I think they’re all entertaining to some degree, and frankly, some are just plain brilliant.
So, my friends, allow me to entertain you. And you folks out there in the back row who say you hate puns but seem to read them anyway so you can bellyache about how awful they are, take a few moments and cast an eye over these. I dare you to say you couldn’t find one amusing one in the bunch!
- The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- When the cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
- A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boarded an airplane. The stewardess looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
- Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said “Dam!”
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms met. One said, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other said “Are you sure?” The first replied, “Yes, I’m positive.”
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
- Santa’s helpers are known as subordinate Clauses.
- She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
- The two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.
- I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
- I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was terrific!
- The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- A chicken crossing the road is truly poultry in motion.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
And last, but certainly not least, my personal favourites:
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him [get ready for this one!] a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And because all good things must come to an end, I’ll share the final pun, one I just discovered, because it made me laugh out loud.
Yeah, I know, potty humour. But I just can’t resist:
Had enough? Okay, I promise I’ll lay off the puns (for now, anyway)! I hope you found one or two puns that brightened your day and put a smile on your face–which is, after all, the point, right? Word games are just plain fun!
[Apologies: I haven’t included credits because I don’t know who to credit. It seems likely that nearly every pun has a different creator, but if anyone knows any of the sources, I’ll be happy to include credits where due. S.H.]
P.S. Aha, here’s one I can actually credit to a person:
“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.” ~ Fred Allen